As I sat down to write this, I was thinking of all of the new moms out there and advice that may be helpful as they embark on this new, exciting, overwhelming and awkward journey into motherhood. But then I remembered how overwhelming all of this “advice” felt as I began and continue my journey into motherhood. So I thought about what would be helpful, and my thoughts wandered to the people in this new moms circle. Yes you, if you have the capacity and ability to show up for this new mom here’s how I think you can help, a list of do’s and don’ts.

Do not ask when you can meet the baby

Instead congratulate her and her new family, share in the excitement and let her know when the timing feels right for them you can’t wait to meet their baby in whatever capacity they are comfortable with

Do ask Mom how she’s doing

I will caveat this by saying not everyone wants to be asked how they are doing. Some may have had a traumatic birth/labor experience. Some may just need to unplug from the world for a while, some may not know how to answer this question. So read the person, read the situation, and go from there.

Do be there for mom to vent, for a cry, a laugh, support, whatever capacity she may need, and do not try to solution everything. So many people focus on the baby they forget Mom has needs too and her sole purpose was not to be the vessel to bring this baby earth side.

Do check in often with no expectation of a response

See above, she is overwhelmed, overtired & trying to navigate this unknown world. Letting her know you are there for her, thinking of her and in her corner may just be the encouragement she needs to get through the day. But her energy, focus and efforts are 100% to her family and her baby, she may not have the capacity to reply or pick up a phone call and she does not need the added stress or pressure to do so.

Do not ask mom what would be helpful

The most helpful thing you can do for someone who is overwhelmed/giving all of their energy and attention to a tiny human being is to just do something, anything at all without asking what would be helpful.

If you don’t know where to start you can ask someone outside their nuclear family, but do not burden the family with now feeling obligated to respond and most likely having zero clue what would be truly helpful.

Do come up with something you can do to help

Whether that takes the form of starting a meal train for the family to help take the burden off cooking, drop a gift on their front steps, popping in to do a few loads of laundry or watch the baby so mom can sleep, offering to take their dog/cat/bird/fish for a few nights, or anything in between. Think about mom and what would be truly helpful. See below.

Do check in with Mom on her preferences

Do you want me to wear a mask, wash my hands, look from a far, not take pictures, take lots of pictures, smother baby, don’t kiss baby etc. We have just carried baby for X number of months in our wombs, while some of us are over the moon to celebrate our babies life with everyone others are nervous to speak up and/or want to keep their baby as protected as possible while they figure out their new routines. There is no correct answer, and each family will be different, but ask the questions before you assume. And DON’T try to test their limits.         

Continue to do this, her preferences may evolve and change as time goes on, or they may not, it’s not for you to decide but make sure you check-in often and adhere to mom or family’s requests. You may not agree and that’s ok, it’s not your baby.

Do not give unsolicited advice

Yes, maybe that’s exactly what I am currently doing to you, but for good reason. Every baby is so different, there is an overwhelming amount of online advice, literature, research and instagram accounts about motherhood. News flash a lot of it is conflicting and a lot of it is generic, they know their baby best and if they specifically ask for your advice GREAT, provide away, but if they do not, know that you are most likely adding to the long list of conflicting, overwhelming and ultimately unhelpful (in the moment) advice she’s already consumed.

Do not make comments about baby’s size, baby’s skills, or baby’s appearance

Instead, a thoughtful way to be engaged is to ask what milestones or skills baby is working on but do not make unsolicited comments if you believe baby should be further ahead/behind then they are. Mom’s feel enough pressure as it is to help baby make strides, gain enough weight, but not too much weight, roll, sit, crawl, walk, run, all of the above and pointing out that baby may not be where YOU believe they should be inadvertently or very blatantly shames mom, and for what purpose? Every baby is on their own path and the family along with their doctors will ensure they are on a healthy path.

To summarize, do not assume you know what mom/baby/family wants or needs from you. Ask questions, be thoughtful, and support, do not solution. Mom wants to feel heard, validated and supported in this major life transition, we do not need criticism, added stress or anything else of that nature. This is not about you, your beliefs, thoughts, or feelings. Be respectful and thoughtful in your approach. And if you already do tis for all of the moms in your life, you rock. Keep crushing it.