I know I probably sound like a broken record when I say motherhood changes you, your perspective, your identity, your relationships, everything. But what I didn’t expect the second time around was to feel the weight of the ever-changing relationships as much as I did. Interestingly enough, after talking to parents with multiple children, many felt the same way I did, it just may have happened after baby #1. Regardless, my hope is that this blog offers a safe space and some commonality so no-one feels alone on this journey. 

Your Parents/In-Laws

It’s both a magical and sometimes challenging experience watching your parents/in-laws become grandparents. You love how much love and affection they have for your children, yet you begin to grapple with where you fit. You are no longer the center of their universe and while they still care deeply for you, their time and attention is funneled into your children. 

The early days of postpartum can be the most difficult, everyone is ooing and ahhing over your baby and you’re sitting there attempting to recover, hormones all over the place, sleep deprived, grieving your old life, and navigating all of the newness of motherhood. All of these changes to your body, to your life and your relationships happen so fast, it can feel isolating and foreign. 

To help navigate these changes it’s important to be upfront and honest about the way you’re feeling, you may not have all of the words, the delivery may be messy, but that’s ok. If you need to lean on your partner to speak on your behalf, or help set boundaries, DO IT. You should feel comfortable and able to protect your peace, and your new nuclear family. *Note I know how difficult this can be, and still struggle to do this myself, it’s an imperfect practice, but one we can all get better at over time.

Your Friends

There are friends with kids, and there are friends without. I don’t say this to be insensitive, as I feel immensely for those who may be struggling on their journey to parenthood. I say this because people greatly lack the ability to truly understand what you are going through unless they themselves have gone through it, and this is true for everything.  

Mom/Parent friends who are non-judgemental, who sit in the hard with you, who lift you up on the bad days, who share in the milestone celebrations, hardships and messiness of it all are rare gems. Hold on to them, they are the ones who understand your capacity will fluctuate, that some days it’ll take everything in you not to lose your shit while other days parenting may look like a walk in the park. They give you grace, they recharge you, they wrap you in a blanket of sameness and ensure you don’t feel alone. 

However, finding these friends can also feel like a huge task. When’s the last time you made a friend? When’s the last time you put yourself out there? It’s scary, it’s hard, and it takes time. 

Unfortunately, your relationships ebb and flow with friends who may not have children. They don’t understand the mental load that comes along with raising children. Whether you’re working, staying at home, maintaining the home, managing schedules, transporting kids to and from appointments, trying to find time for yourself OR trying to figure out who you are and what you need. It’s exhausting and it gets difficult to relate and find support. 

Your perspectives, your priorities, your goals, everything has changed for you, but to them, everything feels mostly the same. This can cause a huge disconnect. While you’re struggling to get five seconds to breathe, in between playing, cooking, cleaning, teaching, organizing, scheduling and regulating little humans emotions, you no longer have an off button. And in the rare moments you do get alone time, you scramble to decide if you need more sleep, to prioritize a workout, to meal prep, finish work or clean the house, and then the cycle continues, leaving you feeling drained and/or dysregulated. Meanwhile you watch your friends continue to enjoy their freedom and spontaneity. 

My ask of friends; parents and non-parents, if you have the capacity to check-in, to hold space for those in need, to cheer your mom friends on, to be a listening ear, to give them a little break, to give them grace as they navigate their new lives, please do. 

Yourself

I think this is the one I’ve struggled with the most, and more so with my second than my first. Like I mentioned, there is no off switch in parenthood. You are always on; teaching kids how to regulate their emotions as you struggle to regulate your own, trying to unlearn bad behaviors to ensure you equip your kids with better tools and resources than you had growing up. Trying to find time to take care of yourself while you lack sleep, lack space and lack the ability to turn it all off. 

You grieve your independence and the life you once had. The freedom to choose; to take yourself shopping, to treat yourself to a coffee, to see friends, to stay out late, to go workout, to go on vacation, to go anywhere and everywhere. But now it’s all so calculated, so planned out, so structured you feel like you’re running on auto-pilot. 

You struggle with your new body, maybe you struggle because of what the media and society paints as the *normal* postpartum picture or maybe you struggle because your body has morphed and changed so much you don’t recognize it anymore or maybe you struggle because nothing fits and it’s yet another reminder of the sacrifices you’ve had to make in order to grow your family. 

I’d like to say I have this one figured out and that it won’t last forever, which it won’t, but I’m still in the thick of it. I guess I share this to say you’re not alone in your feelings, and if you’ve found something that’s worked for you, please share it :). And please don’t invalidate moms feelings. Do not make us feel more guilt and shame on top of the existing guilt and shame we put on ourselves each and every day. If we say we don’t feel comfortable in our own skin, please don’t tell us how great we look or “omg stop you just had a baby,” just validate that this is hard and it sucks and it’s ok we feel this way. 

Your Partner

You begin to feel transactional with your partner, constantly checking schedules, coordinating pick ups/drop-offs, activities, bills, appointments, etc. You know you need to give yourself grace and give you and your partner time and space to be alone and be together, but when?

Leaning on family and friends can be huge if that’s available to you; scheduling monthly date nights, taking a night off, or planning a trip just the two of you. However if this isn’t available, it’s important to discuss what will make each of you feel supported and connected. Is it once a month getting a day to yourself, morning workouts, a date with a friend? 

You won’t get it perfect and it won’t work 100% of the time, but if you promise to constantly check-in and revist what’s working and what’s not, it can be hugely helpful. 

Now as I wrap this up, I know I made parenthood sound all doom and gloom, but I promise you parenthood also brings you so much joy, laughter and love. And that also doesn’t diminish how hard it is. So can we all vow to stop telling moms “it’s worth it” and start asking how we can help.